I’ve always thought that Barney was evil, that he is planning to take over the world one day and to do so, he starts of by brainwashing the minds of little children. I don’t trust him one bit. He is too creepy to be friends with children. Turns out, I’m not alone in this. Here’s what the rest of the public feels about Barney.

From Todd’s Humor Archive.

JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY?

Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur suit. Several things about this theory don’t add up. For one thing, Barney has full mobility.

Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That’s because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was operating his beak.

Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there, he’s no ordinary man. (Plus, he’s repeatedly demonstrated the ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.)

If he’s not human, what is it? Let’s speculate, shall we?

1) He’s a real dinosaur.

Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is questionable, the geological record is far from complete. Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing ability is a new twist, however.)

And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth.

2) He’s some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly parent figure in order to train young children to be his unholy army of ultimate darkness.

You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody crucifix.

3) He’s a space alien.

This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn’t even begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could account for the “powers of imagination” as depicted on the show.

HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY?

1) Wait for him to go away. Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our children’s BRAINS are at stake.

2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips shut. You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there.

3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. If he’s a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let’s hope he doesn’t have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think of it, he probably gets his power from…The Children’s Television Workshop. Cut their funding!)

4) Stop believing in him. Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in history.

Anyway, I’m open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there’s an alt.barney.die.die.die we’ll confine ourselves here. And remember, you won’t get your kids back until Barney is dead.dead.dead.

Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my so-called “madness”. But listen. There’s still time to put an end to his evil Jurassic schemes. Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed kind of malignant supernatural force that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur.

From Barney the Evil Dinosaur

Proof that Barney is related to Satan. It is a known fact (if not a sad one) that Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR. The bible was written in many languages, the most common being Latin (Roman). The Romans had no letter “U,” and instead used “V” for printing. Therefore, CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR becomes:

CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

 

Take that phrase and extract the Roman numerals, and we have:

C V V L D I V Their decimal equivalents are:

100, 5, 5, 50, 500, 1, and 5

Adding these numbers produces the single didgit 666, the number recorded in the bible as the symbol of the beast, THE NUMBER OF THE EARTH’S GREATEST EVIL! UNDENIABLE PROOF THAT BARNEY IS RELATED TO SATAN!

Given: Barney= CUTE PURPLE DINOSUAR

S	R
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR	Given
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR	Write in Latin
CV V L DI V	Roman Numerals
100 5 5 50 500 1 5	Arabic Numerals
100+5+5+50+500+1+5	Add
666	Total
666=SATAN	Given
BARNEY=SATAN	Proven

This proves it Barney=Satan. It’s a big conspiracy to get the young generation to worship Satan in a plot to destroy the world!!! Also check out;

• 365 Cruel Ways to Dispose of Barney the Toilet Dinosaur.
• The Barney Fun Page – Have fun killing Barney